Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
