If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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