Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
