I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Randomize
