have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
