The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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