Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
3pm strippers are depressing
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
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