Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
