I wish I could teleport
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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