You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Found the puke drawer
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
