You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
