I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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