Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
He passed out mid-signature
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
