During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
