Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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