you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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