alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
i just google imaged poop.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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