I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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