We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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