How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Randomize
