dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Randomize
