woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
