I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
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