If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
