sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Randomize
