I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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