this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
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