Well douche your snatch and let's go!
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
