you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
You ruined the universe
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
