craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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