A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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