half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
As shirtless as possible
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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