So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
