I will die if light touches me.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
