i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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