guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
