I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
You're like the curious george of whores
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
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