That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
