i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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