I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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