dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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