i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I just got carded by a ten year old.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
