Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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