i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
