Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
