sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
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