she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I pour the whiskey from now on
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Randomize
