hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
