it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Is it because I queefed?
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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