I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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