i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
