I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
