currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
