I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
