So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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