Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
