i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
