It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
