My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Randomize
