apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Randomize
