TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I see more hoeing in ur future
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