the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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