theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
