you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
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